I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
