Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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