and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
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You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
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I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
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