Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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