I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
