nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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