I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
