he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
