got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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