dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You smell like stripper and shame
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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