I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
