Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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