Just took my morning after pill in the library
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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