Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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