1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
