New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
