Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
