i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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