in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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