im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
