please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.