I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?