Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail