My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
