Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
as a side note pls kill me
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
