this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
