i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
