Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
should my penis look like a turkey
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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