I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
