there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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