We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
