***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
