I cockslap morals
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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