help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
