Dude my mom stole all your condoms
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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