someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
