He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
