she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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