Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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