I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
