I just pynch a tree in the face
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Randomize
