I just cut my nipple shaving
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
