if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
