Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
