I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
