It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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