The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
You ever have a fart follow you around?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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