last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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