I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
the day after is always just damage control
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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