We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
