Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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