dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
