In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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