have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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