the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize