we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
