remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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