I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
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