i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
