I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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